Sunday, 30 October 2011

Sudan: We love you Bashir, let us 'delusional' together

Remember a while back when Sudanese people decided to boycott meat because the prices were too high? Well, according to recent developments, all this was a waste of time. Primarily because our president, Omar Hassan Ahmed Al Bashir, decided to give away - not sell - 20,000 sheep to Egypt.

The man donated sheep to Egypt. He's donating things! Last week he said that the government is working on a solution to the global economic crisis, which was delusional enough earn him Mayoral status in Tijani Al Mahi Hospital on Foursquare. But this, this is just ridiculous.

There are only two ways to explain this. It's either Omar Al Bashir doesn't know what sheep are, or the Sudanese themselves are delusional. I'd normally go with the former, but unfortunately there's evidence to prove the latter.

See, in order to donate sheep, or anything, to another country, Mr President would have to first think of the gesture. Deem it acceptable. Then say it out loud, to whoever is next to him at the time. We already know his IQ isn't that much more than that of a baseball bat, so we'll just accept this first stage.

Unfortunately, after letting the voices in his head loose Mr Bashir would have to get a second opinion. So, this second opinion would also have to agree that it's a good idea to donate sheep to Egypt. So it does.

Then - because the NCP is a democratic party - Mr Bashir would approach his Minister of Agriculture, someone called Salah Yousif. This approach is about feasibility more than an opinion. However, an opinion will be given, and feasibility would probably have been given an ancillary role.

So thus far you have Omar Al Bashir, a second person and Mr Yousif all agreeing that donating 20,000 sheep to Egypt is a good idea. OK? Now, all they have to do is convince Mr Finance Minister - well not convince, but tell him - that they need money for 20,000 sheep. So they tell him. The Finance Minister, Ali Mahmoud, would first object, but because the NCP is a democratic party, he wouldn't have a choice but to get on board with the plan.

Now, Mr Bashir has the idea, it's very feasible, and there's a budget for it. Apparently. Don't know how. But there is. A budget. For it. There's a budget for donating sheep to Egypt.

The next step would be to find the sheep. Well, he can't get them from Darfur, because obviously Khartoum and Darfur are on bad terms; maybe when they're back on good terms Al Bashir might decide to donate some sheep to them. So Mr Bashir looks elsewhere for the sheep. Most probably Al Gezira. So he finds the sheep.

The process of getting 20,000 sheep on horseback - or whatever technology is available to them - and sending them to Egypt will involve hundreds of people; from sheep herders, to the horse owners and sheep counters. All of whom will be aware of the fact that these sheep are going to Egypt as a Eid gift. All of whom, most probably, cannot afford meat, or even 'mea'.

The number of officials involved in this process is very significant. And the fact that it's actually happening proves that none of them could see anything wrong with it. Not the donation part, nor the 20,000 part. They can't even see that donating sheep is wrong. Sudan donating sheep is like India setting up dating sites to encourage people to have children.

All this just proves that Omar Al Bashir is not the only delusional person in Sudan. More evidence can be found in the recent protests in Sudan against Bashar Al Assad's crackdown on Syrian protesters. This is ludicrous. A miniature Kaaba donated by Omar Al Bashir to the Vatican City makes more sense. How do these people think?

This last week has been yet another embarassing one for Sudan, and unfortunately this time, some citizens played their part. The only sane beings left in Sudan are the sheep it seems; but they're all getting shipped off to Egypt. So.. Umm.. We're pretty screwed.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Sudan: A Sudanese prophet, coming soon

We have this dish in Sudan called 'Fool'. It's basically cooked beans with everything you can find in a 10 meter radius. So if anyone is cooking Fool, make sure your phone and wallet are in your pocket. Fool has detrimental after effects. The most notable is a condition globally known as sleeping, but in Sudan it's known as "just lying down". Well, if you're just lying down, why the f*** are you snoring? This dormant state is the least harmful to society. However, Fool can also slow down one's thought process, one's ability to see and most importantly, one's ability to 'thought'. Yea, it's that bad.

It affects us all, but it seems our president is a Fool aficionado.

Omar Al-Bashir was recently addressing an economic forum at the ruling National Congress Party trying to give a more detailed explanation and solution to the economic situation in the country. He said that the government needs to "raise new revenues without having to raise taxes". Which is impressive to be honest. But then he goes on to say "How do we bridge the gap without raising taxes? We need to broaden the tax base to tax those outside the tax system".

Ok, first of all, why are there people outside the tax system? Who are these people? Are they the people that earn a pittance, and are exempt from taxes on that regard? Or are they high ranking government officials who are treated as diplomats in their own country? Or maybe they're the ones that run away from the taxman every time he comes by the shop. Why are there people outside the tax system? And how does Omar Al-Bashir know what 'outside' means?

If these tax exemptions are made for those with very low to negligible incomes, then it would be ludicrous to even try to tax them. The government would just have to take some of their hair, because even the sheep that they most likely sell won't add much to the government's budget. On the other hand, if it's government officials or party loyalists who are exempt from taxes, then taxing them would have a significant effect on the NCP's fan base. Less and less beards would be grown, and less morals would be prostituted. And we all know that beards and promiscuous morals are the foundations of the ruling party.

Mr Al-Bashir then goes on to highlight the government's economic plans. He claims that Sudan is not the only country suffering economically, but the whole world economy is in bad shape. He says that the government is working on a solution to the problem that is the global economy today, and to find a way subdue the rampant capitalist system that has caused many to suffer around the world.

If you're reading this paragraph after only reading the previous one once, then there's something wrong with you. I don't even know where to start. Ok, tell you what, I'll finish what he said then I'll give my two cents.

He went on to say the government's plan to solve the issue of the global economy is, and I quote, "finding an exit by returning to God for a way out of the severe economic crisis". He also criticized the states for their handling of investments, and he expressed disbelief at the amount of foreign workers in the country. I am quoting from an article. You cannot make this stuff up.

The fact that our president can see past the economic crisis in Sudan is incredible. I don't even understand how he can even think that there's currently a world outside Sudan. He should be charged for every thought that is beyond our borders. All the stages he fantasizes about dancing on, all the blacks he dreams about fighting, everything; all his global thoughts.

I'm sorry, but really? They want to solve the global economic crisis? How is he even allowed to say that in front of people? Who writes this stuff for him? I honestly think the ruling party is deliberately trying to make him look like an idiot in front of people. The only way anyone should be allowed to say something like that is if they laugh afterwards, juggle a couple of red balls, click their heels together and walk off stage.

The most ridiculous part is his "surprise" at the number of foreign workers in the country. Apparently all foreign workers are illegal, since Al-Bashir doesn't know they exist. They all get smuggled in through the northern border with Egypt, hired illegally, and then given illegal residencies without anyone noticing. Most foreign workers get their residencies done between 4 pm and 6 pm, when every Sudanese is "just lying down".

And, what does God have to do with anything? What's wrong with this man? I feel this miniature Kaaba ordeal is having serious repercussions. Next thing you know, the government announces the arrival of a Sudanese prophet, who's miracle would be cleansing the new Holy land of blacks and non-Muslims.

Something needs to change. Let's introduce Sushi into our cuisine. It's healthy and doesn't cause mental ineptitude. We can still have Fool, but as a side side side dish. Maybe have it with tea, or gulp it down with some water in the morning. Large quantities of Fool should be made illegal, and so should Omar Al-Bashir's speeches.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Sudan: Let's pray.. for common sense

It turns out Sudan's economic woes are far greater than the current economy's desperate situation. Apparently, Sudan has an accumulated national debt of $38 billion... That's Congo.

Sudan is indebted to almost every monetary institution in the world with the word "loan" on its About Us page. The country is very close to having an account with the local vegetable seller.

The problem is that when you hear such figures you might think yes, the country borrows a lot, but borrowing is necessary for development in Third World countries. No. The money borrowed is spent on the military and the security apparatus. So the only thing that's developing is the regime's insecurities.

Omar Al Bashir, who's fat, said that Sudan will be working diligently to try and pay off these debts. He said that, in the next OECD conference in Turkey, they will cooperate with Western countries in an effort to relieve Sudan of its debts. Mind you, these are the same countries that he recently said are "under his shoe". Whatever that means.

So now Sudan - the most targeted country in the world according to NCP officials - will be seeking debt relief from the same countries that are targeting it. Targeting it because obviously it's a paragon for Islamic democracy and a regional beacon of hope. It is the most efficiently run country in the world, and the West is just hating on it because "it be getting that paper, son".

Not only is Omar Al Bashir being a hypocrite, but he's actually justifying the West's position on Sudan. Yes, the West is targeting Sudan, but not because of its Islamism or its rogue regime, but because Sudan's stupidity needs to be contained. Imagine if Sudan was allowed to participate in global economic development or political conferences, our representatives would talk so much nonsense they might infect others. Then Europe will start thinking the secession of the South is the reason behind Greece's debt, Japan would blame Darfur rebels on the earthquake, and the US government will start a war with Detroit because there are too many black people there.

So the government is now so desperate that it's seeking help from the decadent West; the Muslim-hating, anti-Islamic, alcohol-drinking, light skin-having West. Why not though? I mean China doesn't give out loans unless you have something significant to offer in return, and India shouldn't give out loans but if it does, they should be given in humans not money. So the only way out of this predicament is for the government to go back on its words and beg for help. A valiant effort given the Sudanese people's desperate situation. But wait, there's more.

Ali Mahmoud, Sudan's Finance Minister, decided that he's done with common sense and that henceforth he's going to stop thinking, for at least a couple of months. He came out recently to say that the Sudanese economy is actually better than the US economy. Yes, he said that. I swear to you.

Who says that? I mean really, who? Mind you, the worst part wasn't what he said; it was the fact that he eventually tried to justify it. I mean, if someone showed up to talk to the press, said "Sudan's economy is better than the US's" and left, it would be acceptable. I'd just think that he was on crack. But when you say such a thing, and actually hang around to try and justify it, that's when you know God has forgotten about Sudan.

So as a Sudanese, I feel we need to look up to the sky and pray. Stupidity cannot be cured by protests or sanctions. It can only be cured by some prayer. So let's pray. Even if you're an atheist; pray to your whiskey bottle or arm chair that Sudan becomes spastic-free.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Sudan: The government's fight against retardation

I'm assuming you've all heard of the miniature Kaaba that was built by the government of Sudan to train Muslim pilgrims for Hajj. Right? Well, if you haven't heard, then, umm, the government of Sudan built a miniature Kaaba to train Muslim pilgrims for Hajj.

Apparently, Sudanese pilgrims are, well, retarded. It seems that every year they go to Hajj and embarrass us in front of the 2 million Muslims from around the world. They walk clockwise instead of anti-clockwise around the Kaaba, throw stones at each other instead of Satan, and instead of drinking Zamzam water they seem to use it as fuel for their water guns.

The government, more precisely, the Ministry of Guidance and Endowments, was shamefaced when the Saudi Hajj Authority called in to say that the Sudanese pilgrims were running riot. They apologized and promised to do something about it.

The Sudanese government then decided to give this issue first priority. Forget the wars, forget the ailing economy, the retarded pilgrims predicament had to be resolved... By any "meals" necessary.

So, after much deliberation, the government decided to build a miniature Kaaba, where the pilgrims can be trained for Hajj. The training would include 5 sessions of Directional Awareness, target practice and "A History of Zamzam Water" lectures.

The cost of the miniature Kaaba was $20,000. This included the four cement walls and roof, and the Kaaba-like cloth that goes on top. One can't help but think that this money was either borrowed from some GCC financial institution, or taken out of the government's negligible budget. The latter is more likely. Which means that now the government's budget has halved.

The current regime has been in power since 1989, and since then the country's education system has been overrun with Islamic related subjects. A high school graduate in Sudan can probably recite the whole Quran while hunting for food, or digging for water. So on paper, everyone, including fat people, should know the technicalities of Hajj.

The government however, seems very adamant that the education system that it established is not sufficient to stop people from throwing stones at the Kaaba. So now that the training is under way, all will be well when the next batch of pilgrims leave Sudan for Mekkah.

This is only the first of many government run projects initiated to help the average Sudanese enjoy a mistake-free Hajj. Future projects will include "Umra training for those who can afford to go", "Praying Maghrib at Al-Masjid Al-Haram without licking the person next to you", and training centers all over the country on "How to get to the airport when going to Hajj".

The government has also promised that it will establish a Public Authority for Hajj Related Issues and What Not (PAHRIWN). The head of the PAHRIWN will be chosen by the president, and will be from the war torn region of Darfur, in accordance with the Doha Document for Peace in Darfur (DDPD).