The most recent breaking news about Sudan was the appointment of a certain Haj Adam Youseff as Vice President to Omar Al Bashir. So, you might think, what happens to Ali Osman Mohammed Taha? Well, he's also Vice President. He's the First Vice President. Which means that if anything is to happen to Omar Al Bashir, Mr Taha and Mr Youseff would have to fight for the presidency in a game of Connect Four.
Let's not bicker about the nature of the positions top officials hold in the government, and concentrate on the matter at hand. I think we can all agree that this is very random. First of all, the guy's first name is an adjective.
There are a lot of flaws with this appointment. Primarily, the fact that Mr Youseff is actually from an Arab tribe in Darfur, not an African one. Yes I know that I've emphasized on the importance of not categorizing the Darfur conflict as Arab vs African but the fact of the matter is that the Fur, the original inhabitants of Darfur, are African. And so are the Zaghawa, who find their voice in the JEM rebel movement.
It is also important to stress that Mr Youseff has no affiliations with any of the Darfur rebel movements. Be it Khalil Ibrahim's JEM, or Abdul Wahid Nur's SLM. Nothing. I doubt he's even aware of their existence. Ask him. Someone ask him. Also, he had no part to play in the Doha peace agreement. He wasn't even on the negotiations table. He has no rebel affiliations, no grievances, no movement. Nothing. Then why would he be appointed? Well, I'll tell you why. Because he's actually NCP.
Yes. He's a former member of the PCP. He's a Turabi enthusiast. Just like how Bob Marley was a marijuana enthusiast. He joined the PCP for a year in 1999 then probably realised that there was nothing to gain, so he went back to the NCP He was an active member of the NIF. Which kind of makes sense really. I mean what were we expecting? Al Tijani Sese as Vice President? I mean yes, his silly name does make him a perfect candidate, but c'mon, he's actually Fur; and Umma Party affiliated. Plus, the NCP don't do Fur. Unless there's an AK47 involved.
In order to understand the ridiculousness of this, you have to realise that Mr Bashir has 189,637 advisers. Yes, that many. All with different silly advisory positions and equally silly names. And, if that's not enough, he has 77 ministers. One for every prostitute on the street. I'm sorry, but this is preposterous. You get the impression that if you ever walk into one of Bashir's meetings with his advisers you'd find them all wearing bibs with smiley faces on them.
According to a recent study, the average IQ in the Sudanese government is 7. Mr Taha scored the highest with 32. Most government officials were in the range of 2-5. These are the idiots wearing Safari suits who have an office to sit in, where a man brings you tea, and a woman called Awatif tells you about incoming guests. These are the people that run the country.
This must be the limit to this government's idiocy. It must be. Otherwise, well, we're better off being governed by Wyclef Jean. Oh wait.
There are a lot of ways in which this type of incompetency can be eradicated. You can start a revolution, you can do a Khalil Ibrahim, you can inundate the presidential palace with stink bombs, you can even call the ghost busters. But, with the grip this regime has on power, they all seem somewhat useless.
The thing is, it seems the Sudanese people are fed up. It seems. The ridiculous rise in prices, the lack of decent infrastructure and basic services all seem to have triggered something. In like two people. But the discontent of an acquainted few has very minimal effects. So, what do we do? How do we get ourselves out of this predicament. Well, I have a solution.
Here it is. Remember that Bird Flu virus? The one that killed three people, who were both diabetic and suffered from hypertension, but was feared like the plague. Remember? Well, I say we spread it in Sudan. Spill some of the virus in the Nile. Somewhere in the South. Preferably Abyei, so there can be some irony to it. Let it work its way up the river, infecting everyone, and eventually killing them, so that the only people left are those from the far West and far East.
This way, they get to run the country. And I do believe that being governed by a marginalized people will have a lot of benefits. For starters, we would have a presidential hut, and not a palace.