Stop it!!!

I promised Miss Optimist that I would write this. So here goes.

I’ve been a member of the global social networking society ever since its inception. I have witnessed the funny, the obscene and the downright inappropriate. Recently I’ve become ever so reluctant to digest the stupidity that has overwhelmed social media sites.

Twitter is wonderful. It’s actually more than that; it gives you the opportunity to express yourself, but concisely, so that people actually take the time to read your thoughts. I would much rather read a one lined opinion than a paragraphed one like you get on bookface. It lets you follow the people and organisations that you are interested in. It’s a fan’s fantasy, any fan, even if you’re obsessed with pubic hair.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with twitter it’s basically a social network were you get to write anything within the conformity of 140 characters, which is called a tweet. If you stumble upon a tweet that you like you can then re-tweet it so that everyone that follows you sees it. The great thing about it is that you can tag anyone in your tweet, and it will automatically show up on their profile, hence you can talk to anyone – literally anyone, even Obama – who has a twitter account.

So let’s say CNN covers a story that you like, you can then write “Thank you @CNN (or whatever their twitter name is) for the wonderful coverage.”

This is great. Unfortunately, because this is an idiot infested world, you get the random “@Ali RT (retweet) @Moez: @Ali you are a funny person”, which basically means Moez said that Ali was funny, and Ali retweeted it.

That’s fine, if you’re over weight and haven’t had an interaction with the opposite sex since your mother kissed you goodnight when you were three. So it’s not fine, it will never be fine. Why would anyone want to tell everyone else that someone else said they were funny (or any other compliment).

This regrettably paints a picture, a bad one. This shows that you like to tell people that other people like you. Imagine sitting at a restaurant with ten friends, you’re talking with the one next to you and he/she says “Dude, that’s a nice shirt”. You then stand up, stop people’s conversations and say “Guys, this guy/girl said I have a nice shirt”, then you sit down, like an idiot. This is exactly what it’s like. EXACTLY!

Everyone needs a compliment from time to time, but to be honest, I don’t want to know how good someone else thinks your mother’s hair looked last night, I really don’t.

Celebrities are the biggest abusers of this retweeting business. Specially (hardly a celebrity, but he’s famous) Nicholas Kristof - who’s a columnist for the New York Times and has over a million followers. This guy retweets everything. It’s like he’s constantly standing on top of a table saying “Hey, psst, hey, hey Moez. Look. Look, this guy said I had a nice column”. Well Mr Kristof, if you didn’t have a nice column I wouldn’t be following you would I? WOULD I? Actually, I think I’ll stop following you and your pathetic little self.

Why the hell would you still be trying to win grace when you are already famous? Why? Do you want to start a new religion? Do you? Well, If you do, I suggest you call it Look-at-meism.

Also, I really, truly, deeply don't care what Kanye West or Katy Perry think about the earthquake in Japan, and nor do I care what any other celebrity thinks about the misgivings of this world. So please, don't retweet that nonsense on my time line.

Booface on the other hand is absolutely dismal.

You always get the “Hey guys look at me and my other Indian friends who all look alike at the club last night drinking expensive drinks because if we were still back in India we would probably be working in a sweat shop” type photo albums. If you go somewhere exotic, take pictures, other than that just keep your camera at home.

The disappointing thing about bookface is that it was like twitter when it started; a profile, a status, event planner and groups. Now however, you can find out how large your neighbour’s dog’s penis is from your initials. You get told your fate by a digital psychic and the amount of money you’re going to make in your lifetime by two testicles on a yellow couch. It’s a mess. It has never been so bad.

The worst thing about it is that some people actually take it seriously. You get the occasional “OMG guys look, the online prostitute said I’m going to get laid tonight”, no you’re not you sad son of a b****.

The thing that really gets to me is the abuse of compliments. People complement each other for no reason. Thank God there’s no retweet option in bookface.

The worst type are the girls huddled in a group photo, accompanied, of course, by compliments like “OMG you’re so hot!!! Sexy!!!”, and the reply is usually “Aww thank you, you’re so kind”. Of course she’s kind, you look like Casper with Forest Whitaker’s facial features. She’s not only kind now; she’s been kind ever since she signed up to bookface. These self-complimenting groups of girls should doubt their friendships, because if I had someone who incessantly lied to me about my looks I’d turn the page.

I’m sorry to burst your bubble but Anita “The Psychic”, Kandy “The Whore” and Dave “The Accountant” are fictitious, they don’t exist and neither do their predictions. And most importantly, just because she’s your friend doesn’t make her hot. So please, save me some blog space and grow the **** up.

*Note: If you can’t figure out the exceptions to the above observations, then get in touch with the people who aren't aware of Mubarak’s regime’s shortcomings from my previous post and compliment each other.