Sudan: A Sudanese prophet, coming soon

We have this dish in Sudan called 'Fool'. It's basically cooked beans with everything you can find in a 10 meter radius. So if anyone is cooking Fool, make sure your phone and wallet are in your pocket. Fool has detrimental after effects. The most notable is a condition globally known as sleeping, but in Sudan it's known as "just lying down". Well, if you're just lying down, why the f*** are you snoring? This dormant state is the least harmful to society. However, Fool can also slow down one's thought process, one's ability to see and most importantly, one's ability to 'thought'. Yea, it's that bad.

It affects us all, but it seems our president is a Fool aficionado.

Omar Al-Bashir was recently addressing an economic forum at the ruling National Congress Party trying to give a more detailed explanation and solution to the economic situation in the country. He said that the government needs to "raise new revenues without having to raise taxes". Which is impressive to be honest. But then he goes on to say "How do we bridge the gap without raising taxes? We need to broaden the tax base to tax those outside the tax system".

Ok, first of all, why are there people outside the tax system? Who are these people? Are they the people that earn a pittance, and are exempt from taxes on that regard? Or are they high ranking government officials who are treated as diplomats in their own country? Or maybe they're the ones that run away from the taxman every time he comes by the shop. Why are there people outside the tax system? And how does Omar Al-Bashir know what 'outside' means?

If these tax exemptions are made for those with very low to negligible incomes, then it would be ludicrous to even try to tax them. The government would just have to take some of their hair, because even the sheep that they most likely sell won't add much to the government's budget. On the other hand, if it's government officials or party loyalists who are exempt from taxes, then taxing them would have a significant effect on the NCP's fan base. Less and less beards would be grown, and less morals would be prostituted. And we all know that beards and promiscuous morals are the foundations of the ruling party.

Mr Al-Bashir then goes on to highlight the government's economic plans. He claims that Sudan is not the only country suffering economically, but the whole world economy is in bad shape. He says that the government is working on a solution to the problem that is the global economy today, and to find a way subdue the rampant capitalist system that has caused many to suffer around the world.

If you're reading this paragraph after only reading the previous one once, then there's something wrong with you. I don't even know where to start. Ok, tell you what, I'll finish what he said then I'll give my two cents.

He went on to say the government's plan to solve the issue of the global economy is, and I quote, "finding an exit by returning to God for a way out of the severe economic crisis". He also criticized the states for their handling of investments, and he expressed disbelief at the amount of foreign workers in the country. I am quoting from an article. You cannot make this stuff up.

The fact that our president can see past the economic crisis in Sudan is incredible. I don't even understand how he can even think that there's currently a world outside Sudan. He should be charged for every thought that is beyond our borders. All the stages he fantasizes about dancing on, all the blacks he dreams about fighting, everything; all his global thoughts.

I'm sorry, but really? They want to solve the global economic crisis? How is he even allowed to say that in front of people? Who writes this stuff for him? I honestly think the ruling party is deliberately trying to make him look like an idiot in front of people. The only way anyone should be allowed to say something like that is if they laugh afterwards, juggle a couple of red balls, click their heels together and walk off stage.

The most ridiculous part is his "surprise" at the number of foreign workers in the country. Apparently all foreign workers are illegal, since Al-Bashir doesn't know they exist. They all get smuggled in through the northern border with Egypt, hired illegally, and then given illegal residencies without anyone noticing. Most foreign workers get their residencies done between 4 pm and 6 pm, when every Sudanese is "just lying down".

And, what does God have to do with anything? What's wrong with this man? I feel this miniature Kaaba ordeal is having serious repercussions. Next thing you know, the government announces the arrival of a Sudanese prophet, who's miracle would be cleansing the new Holy land of blacks and non-Muslims.

Something needs to change. Let's introduce Sushi into our cuisine. It's healthy and doesn't cause mental ineptitude. We can still have Fool, but as a side side side dish. Maybe have it with tea, or gulp it down with some water in the morning. Large quantities of Fool should be made illegal, and so should Omar Al-Bashir's speeches.

Sudan: Let's pray.. for common sense

It turns out Sudan's economic woes are far greater than the current economy's desperate situation. Apparently, Sudan has an accumulated national debt of $38 billion... That's Congo.

Sudan is indebted to almost every monetary institution in the world with the word "loan" on its About Us page. The country is very close to having an account with the local vegetable seller.

The problem is that when you hear such figures you might think yes, the country borrows a lot, but borrowing is necessary for development in Third World countries. No. The money borrowed is spent on the military and the security apparatus. So the only thing that's developing is the regime's insecurities.

Omar Al Bashir, who's fat, said that Sudan will be working diligently to try and pay off these debts. He said that, in the next OECD conference in Turkey, they will cooperate with Western countries in an effort to relieve Sudan of its debts. Mind you, these are the same countries that he recently said are "under his shoe". Whatever that means.

So now Sudan - the most targeted country in the world according to NCP officials - will be seeking debt relief from the same countries that are targeting it. Targeting it because obviously it's a paragon for Islamic democracy and a regional beacon of hope. It is the most efficiently run country in the world, and the West is just hating on it because "it be getting that paper, son".

Not only is Omar Al Bashir being a hypocrite, but he's actually justifying the West's position on Sudan. Yes, the West is targeting Sudan, but not because of its Islamism or its rogue regime, but because Sudan's stupidity needs to be contained. Imagine if Sudan was allowed to participate in global economic development or political conferences, our representatives would talk so much nonsense they might infect others. Then Europe will start thinking the secession of the South is the reason behind Greece's debt, Japan would blame Darfur rebels on the earthquake, and the US government will start a war with Detroit because there are too many black people there.

So the government is now so desperate that it's seeking help from the decadent West; the Muslim-hating, anti-Islamic, alcohol-drinking, light skin-having West. Why not though? I mean China doesn't give out loans unless you have something significant to offer in return, and India shouldn't give out loans but if it does, they should be given in humans not money. So the only way out of this predicament is for the government to go back on its words and beg for help. A valiant effort given the Sudanese people's desperate situation. But wait, there's more.

Ali Mahmoud, Sudan's Finance Minister, decided that he's done with common sense and that henceforth he's going to stop thinking, for at least a couple of months. He came out recently to say that the Sudanese economy is actually better than the US economy. Yes, he said that. I swear to you.

Who says that? I mean really, who? Mind you, the worst part wasn't what he said; it was the fact that he eventually tried to justify it. I mean, if someone showed up to talk to the press, said "Sudan's economy is better than the US's" and left, it would be acceptable. I'd just think that he was on crack. But when you say such a thing, and actually hang around to try and justify it, that's when you know God has forgotten about Sudan.

So as a Sudanese, I feel we need to look up to the sky and pray. Stupidity cannot be cured by protests or sanctions. It can only be cured by some prayer. So let's pray. Even if you're an atheist; pray to your whiskey bottle or arm chair that Sudan becomes spastic-free.

Sudan: The government's fight against retardation

I'm assuming you've all heard of the miniature Kaaba that was built by the government of Sudan to train Muslim pilgrims for Hajj. Right? Well, if you haven't heard, then, umm, the government of Sudan built a miniature Kaaba to train Muslim pilgrims for Hajj.

Apparently, Sudanese pilgrims are, well, retarded. It seems that every year they go to Hajj and embarrass us in front of the 2 million Muslims from around the world. They walk clockwise instead of anti-clockwise around the Kaaba, throw stones at each other instead of Satan, and instead of drinking Zamzam water they seem to use it as fuel for their water guns.

The government, more precisely, the Ministry of Guidance and Endowments, was shamefaced when the Saudi Hajj Authority called in to say that the Sudanese pilgrims were running riot. They apologized and promised to do something about it.

The Sudanese government then decided to give this issue first priority. Forget the wars, forget the ailing economy, the retarded pilgrims predicament had to be resolved... By any "meals" necessary.

So, after much deliberation, the government decided to build a miniature Kaaba, where the pilgrims can be trained for Hajj. The training would include 5 sessions of Directional Awareness, target practice and "A History of Zamzam Water" lectures.

The cost of the miniature Kaaba was $20,000. This included the four cement walls and roof, and the Kaaba-like cloth that goes on top. One can't help but think that this money was either borrowed from some GCC financial institution, or taken out of the government's negligible budget. The latter is more likely. Which means that now the government's budget has halved.

The current regime has been in power since 1989, and since then the country's education system has been overrun with Islamic related subjects. A high school graduate in Sudan can probably recite the whole Quran while hunting for food, or digging for water. So on paper, everyone, including fat people, should know the technicalities of Hajj.

The government however, seems very adamant that the education system that it established is not sufficient to stop people from throwing stones at the Kaaba. So now that the training is under way, all will be well when the next batch of pilgrims leave Sudan for Mekkah.

This is only the first of many government run projects initiated to help the average Sudanese enjoy a mistake-free Hajj. Future projects will include "Umra training for those who can afford to go", "Praying Maghrib at Al-Masjid Al-Haram without licking the person next to you", and training centers all over the country on "How to get to the airport when going to Hajj".

The government has also promised that it will establish a Public Authority for Hajj Related Issues and What Not (PAHRIWN). The head of the PAHRIWN will be chosen by the president, and will be from the war torn region of Darfur, in accordance with the Doha Document for Peace in Darfur (DDPD).

Sudan: The Sudanese Pound, reading glasses and other soon to be useless things

Before we start, here are the latest figures regarding the Sudanese Pound: $1 = SDG 4.7, with a very high possibility of becoming $1 = SDG 400 and then some, by the time you read this. The Sudanese Pound is in trouble, its value is declining like the number of Somalians who understand the concept of water.

Last Sunday it was $1 to SDG 4.3. So if you would like to take out your calculator - you know, the one you bought last week - and do the math, you'd realise that for one week this is quite a significant devaluation.

So, let's be idiots for a minute and blame this devaluation on the secession of the South. Let's blame it on the war in Darfur. And, let's blame it on the boogie. Because according to so called analysts, these are the main reasons behind this catastrophe, the boogie being the biggest of course.

Yes, the Southerners took away 70% of the oil income with them - which is clearly their right - but blaming the devaluation of the Sudanese Pound on the secession is preposterous. The Sudanese government, which so blatantly knew the South was going to secede, should have had a contingency plan. And no, banning certain imports is not a contingency plan, it's not even a plan, it's an arbitrary ban on random things of which no one knew the consequences.

Even if the government didn't know the South was going to secede, it should have planned for the worst case scenario. Human beings usually plan for worst case scenarios. Human beings. Humans. Homosexuals, I mean Homo sapiens. But did they? No! You know why? Well, clearly they're not human. They're just a random aggregation of bones, flesh and beards.

I'm sorry but I will not accept these juvenile interpretations coming from our own economists blaming the government's failures on South Sudan. I mean, yes, occasionally, if money does go missing more often than not a black person is behind it, but that doesn't apply here. I tried to apply it, it didn't work. So, no, economists, the secession is not to blame.

Soon enough, the Sudanese Pound will be worth nothing. You'd have to trade in your limbs for some vegetables, and since meat would only be affordable to those willing to trade in their children, there will be a sudden increase in vegetarian amputees. On the plus side however, people will be having more children, which would make the population competition we're having with Egypt more interesting.

The government has also decided to randomly close down newspapers. Maybe because reading newspapers is forbidden in Islam. I don't know. But whatever the reason, the government seems very adamant on suppressing free speech, or even just speech. Security officials seem to just show up at newspaper offices, and ask everyone to put their pens down; they're like exam invigilators with guns.

Thus far, seven newspaper have been shut down. You can only assume they're doing something unbeardly, I mean un-Islamic. They might all be brothels disguised as newspapers, or worse, places where people write what they think.

But the government's arbitrary war on terrorist speech seems somewhat systematic. Yes, confusing. Soon enough there will be no newspapers to read, or use as a dinner tablecloth substitute. Reading glasses will be more useful as ornaments in your living room. The radio will become a powerful tool which the government will use to foist political views into news stories. Eventually we will all have small mustaches and feel a sudden hatred towards Jews and Blacks.

Also, every Sudanese household will have to find a way to make better use of their dinner table and cutlery, because they too will become redundant. There will be only one channel on TV, constantly broadcasting a new monotonous national anthem praising safari suits, beards and Hyundai Sonatas. So TV's will be more useful as door stoppers. Cars will become horse-drawn carriages and sole-less shoes will be in vogue. We will find ourselves trapped in medieval times where women get flogged in public for no apparent reason. Oh wait!

So there you have it, this is me being sagacious. If you're planning for a future in Sudan, make sure you're accomplished with a sword. And just in case you have a lot of cash stacked away for a rainy day, start smoking marijuana, because rolling paper is all the Sudanese Pound will soon be good for.

Sudan: Forget boycotts, buy a calculator

Last week the humble people of Sudan - which is south of Egypt, but north of South Sudan - decided to come together, for the first time since, since, since.. decided to come together. Everyone seemed to agree on the fact that basic commodities became too expensive. This increase in commodity prices was part of a policy implemented by the government to help stabilize the economy bla bla bla.. sensitive camels and prostitutes.

This lead to an unfathomable increase in prices. Even red things like tomatoes became expensive. Sheep became lobsters. And cooking oil seems to have suddenly been extracted from Siberian tigers. Basically, you would have needed a bank statement to buy a burger.

So the Sudanese Consumer Protection Society decided to call for a mass boycott of all meat products, including chicken - which is a meat apparently. Most people joined in on the boycott. Which is surprising, given the recent trends of impervious attitudes towards the country's dire situation. Nonetheless, this boycott had a significant effect on the market. Apparently, a kilo of lamb went from an embarrassing 30 SDG right down to a very random 15 SDG.

This is very well. But all these numbers seem arbitrary. They're too whole and too divisible by each other and other normal numbers. Why aren't there any decimal places? And how could a two day meat boycott bring down the price so significantly?

You can't help but think that the so called government controlled market is not controlled at all, nor is it government. The austerity measures taken by the government targeted imported goods. But meat in Sudan is a local commodity. Sudan doesn't import meat, it actually exports it. So how is it that meat - which comes from local sheep, local cows and apparently local chickens - decided to be expensive? You can only assume that it was a decision taken by the meat itself, because no human would have such preposterous logic.

I find it very difficult to understand economic trends in Sudan. It might be my poor knowledge of economics, or the government's poor knowledge of economics, and lack of common sense, and incompetence, and stupidity, and abundance of safari suits. But, most economic trends in Sudan are not trends at all, they're in fact sudden occurrences. The government seems to lack that thing that gives people a bit of an insight into the future, what's it called? Oh right, planning.

What's more worrying is the inconsistency of statistical data regarding the economy. Various articles on the meat boycott quoted different numbers regarding Sudan's dependence on meat exports. The range was 1.68% to a ridiculous 40%. Not even butchers make 40% of their income from selling meat. So no one actually knows how much meat - or any other export, be it sand or black people - actually contributes to the country's economy.

So, instead of boycotting things that don't make sense, every Sudanese person should buy a calculator and start doing some numbers. Because no matter how much you boycott, if it's all fictitious and arbitrary, all your doing really is denying butchers a living. And obviously prolonging the sheep's lives; the sheep themselves don't want that, they're probably organizing group suicides right now.

I bought a calculator, yes I did; it's a Casio fx-83MS - which sounds like a power ranger's fantasy. And I did some numbers. It turns out that in order for meat exports to contribute 40% to the Sudanese economy, one sheep would have to be sold for around $4,000.71 - see, decimals. A sheep. Just one. It's unrealistic, and so is every other number I've come across.

Yes, the melioristic approach to the evermore demanding standards of living is a good thing, and the proof that the espirit de corps of the Sudanese population has not yet diminished has made us all proud, but what are we fighting for? Lesser arbitrary numbers?

It's easy to be perturbed by such events, but it's actually easier for such events to occur when economic policies are made around a tea lady wearing socks to repel sexual gestures. So let's not boycott randomness, let's boycott ugly people, since they're all in the government.

Sudan: Out with the old, in with the flu

We've already established in the past that politicians have the intellectual capacity of a horse's testicle. We've also established that in order to become a politician in a Third World Country, all you need is a financial motive; or in the case of Idriss Deby, a stupid name. All in all it doesn't require much. Now, however, Sudan has yet again proven that you can be a politician even if you can't read. Or write. Or think. Or use a toilet.

The most recent breaking news about Sudan was the appointment of a certain Haj Adam Youseff as Vice President to Omar Al Bashir. So, you might think, what happens to Ali Osman Mohammed Taha? Well, he's also Vice President. He's the First Vice President. Which means that if anything is to happen to Omar Al Bashir, Mr Taha and Mr Youseff would have to fight for the presidency in a game of Connect Four.

Let's not bicker about the nature of the positions top officials hold in the government, and concentrate on the matter at hand. I think we can all agree that this is very random. First of all, the guy's first name is an adjective.

There are a lot of flaws with this appointment. Primarily, the fact that Mr Youseff is actually from an Arab tribe in Darfur, not an African one. Yes I know that I've emphasized on the importance of not categorizing the Darfur conflict as Arab vs African but the fact of the matter is that the Fur, the original inhabitants of Darfur, are African. And so are the Zaghawa, who find their voice in the JEM rebel movement.

It is also important to stress that Mr Youseff has no affiliations with any of the Darfur rebel movements. Be it Khalil Ibrahim's JEM, or Abdul Wahid Nur's SLM. Nothing. I doubt he's even aware of their existence. Ask him. Someone ask him. Also, he had no part to play in the Doha peace agreement. He wasn't even on the negotiations table. He has no rebel affiliations, no grievances, no movement. Nothing. Then why would he be appointed? Well, I'll tell you why. Because he's actually NCP.

Yes. He's a former member of the PCP. He's a Turabi enthusiast. Just like how Bob Marley was a marijuana enthusiast. He joined the PCP for a year in 1999 then probably realised that there was nothing to gain, so he went back to the NCP He was an active member of the NIF. Which kind of makes sense really. I mean what were we expecting? Al Tijani Sese as Vice President? I mean yes, his silly name does make him a perfect candidate, but c'mon, he's actually Fur; and Umma Party affiliated. Plus, the NCP don't do Fur. Unless there's an AK47 involved.

In order to understand the ridiculousness of this, you have to realise that Mr Bashir has 189,637 advisers. Yes, that many. All with different silly advisory positions and equally silly names. And, if that's not enough, he has 77 ministers. One for every prostitute on the street. I'm sorry, but this is preposterous. You get the impression that if you ever walk into one of Bashir's meetings with his advisers you'd find them all wearing bibs with smiley faces on them.

According to a recent study, the average IQ in the Sudanese government is 7. Mr Taha scored the highest with 32. Most government officials were in the range of 2-5. These are the idiots wearing Safari suits who have an office to sit in, where a man brings you tea, and a woman called Awatif tells you about incoming guests. These are the people that run the country.

This must be the limit to this government's idiocy. It must be. Otherwise, well, we're better off being governed by Wyclef Jean. Oh wait.

There are a lot of ways in which this type of incompetency can be eradicated. You can start a revolution, you can do a Khalil Ibrahim, you can inundate the presidential palace with stink bombs, you can even call the ghost busters. But, with the grip this regime has on power, they all seem somewhat useless.

The thing is, it seems the Sudanese people are fed up. It seems. The ridiculous rise in prices, the lack of decent infrastructure and basic services all seem to have triggered something. In like two people. But the discontent of an acquainted few has very minimal effects. So, what do we do? How do we get ourselves out of this predicament. Well, I have a solution.

Here it is. Remember that Bird Flu virus? The one that killed three people, who were both diabetic and suffered from hypertension, but was feared like the plague. Remember? Well, I say we spread it in Sudan. Spill some of the virus in the Nile. Somewhere in the South. Preferably Abyei, so there can be some irony to it. Let it work its way up the river, infecting everyone, and eventually killing them, so that the only people left are those from the far West and far East.

This way, they get to run the country. And I do believe that being governed by a marginalized people will have a lot of benefits. For starters, we would have a presidential hut, and not a palace.

Let's talk nonsense

To my surprise, surprise being an overstatement of course, I've become accustomed to skipping through my twitter timeline. There has been a prodigious amount of rubbish infesting my timeline recently. I thought people have become more aware, more mature. But no, we still dwell in the silliness that is similar to celebrity infatuations.

I think the reason behind most of this idiocy is the lack of decent news. By decent I mean gripping, infuriating; news that make you say "No f***ing way!" while your dad is around. But still, there's no excuse for emphasizing on futile subjects.

South Sudan, which is somewhere south of Egypt, gained its independence on July 9th 2011, after many years of civil war, uncertainty, tribal conflicts, political mind games, and a cowboy hat. The cowboy hat, however, is still in the picture. So this historic birth of the "world's newest nation" was widely celebrated by the Southern Sudanese, who always wanted independence, the Northern Sudanese, who don't know what they want, the West, who pretend to like black people, and the UN, because it's being run by a Chinese man.

When addressing the subject of South Sudan's independence most news agencies, and news individuals (better known as Blake Hounshells), concentrated on the challenges new countries face. Which is fine. But then, one day, one historic day, when the people of twitter all decided to be Justin Bieber for the day, the topic of discussion was how South Sudan was not yet incorporated into Google Maps. This was a month after independence. I'm sorry, but on a relevance scale this would be rubbing shoulders with George Bush's shoe size. Who cares? Really. How is a map, or a Google Map, going to make a difference? It's not like Salva "cowboy hats are hot on the street" Kiir and his cabinet rely on Google Maps for development decisions. I don't think anyone does. Maybe Sarkozy, but no one else.

Then, when you think that this is the zenith of nonsensical lows that we could ever reach, some idiot with a mustache and low self esteem tries to argue that Steve Jobs is Syrian. Let's say, for argument's sake, he was. Then what? Will it make Bashar Al Assad stop his slaughter house? Will it afford Syrians around the world a free iPad 2? Maybe, just maybe, every Syrian in the world will gain one or two cool points, but that doesn't matter, because the only people who rely on the cool scale all live with their mothers in a one bedroom house and use insect repellents as deodorant. It doesn't matter where Steve Jobs is from, all that matters is that he can't dress to save his life, hence probably why he has cancer.

Then you have the vociferous Egyptian activists, who have a sex life of a bedside lamp, trying to equate Mubarak's trial to the massacre happening in Syria. You have the Sherlock Holmes fanatics emphasizing on Gaddafi's whereabouts, and of course that utterly preposterous trial of Galliano, the hater of all Jews.

The fact of the matter is, Mubarak's trial has no significance whatsoever because justice is a myth, Egyptians should concentrate on what matters, and that's rebuilding their country. Gaddafi's location should be of no concern to anyone except his hairdresser. The guy is gone, the rebels control Tripoli, so they should start concentrating on the country's dire condition and let NATO and Fantastic Four find Gaddafi. Galliano's trial has to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. If this antisemitism nonsense is that serious then the authorities should incorporate it into all constitutions, using a feather and ink. Then they should all huddle up in one room, grab each other's testicles and pray to the Sun. Ridiculous.

And last but not least, the Arab Spring has not failed. The name is a big failure. But it has not failed. One dictator is in a bed in court, another is sunbathing in the Sahara with his African conscripts, one has half a face, and another doesn't understand the concept of a face, because his is an extension of his neck. So, no. The Arab Spring is doing well, taking its sweet time, but doing well nonetheless.

So I urge everyone to stop minding the useless side of the news and concentrate on what really matters. Also, stop asking stupid questions. I WILL report you, to someone, don't know who yet, maybe NATO since they're feeling macho these days.